totaly disconected

so shes acting normal worried about me more than her
says shes just busy with life
im very confused

had the worst nightmare ever

am i going mad?

she was tearing herself to pieces and i couldn't wake up
when i did i was so upset
i told her
seemed like it worried her about me more than her.. :S

really low today

mixtures of the food poisoning and serra

i feel like she would love to talk to me but is making herself not
sunday nights was like a cry for help that i didnt answer and by the morning she had gone again.

i dont know what to do i have dreams about awful things happening to her
i know theres nothing i can do just sit here but
this isnt about us or my broken heart its just about being so worried about her

and now look

so she can barely say 3 words to me ..sorry was very upset,, and yeah all day
i cant seem to get though to her
i dont know what to do
i dont want to push her i know shes doing more than she really wants to by saying this much
had to push herto do it

i miss my best friend so much

i wish i had stayed

(08:30) serra honey bunn: not well
(08:30) serra honey bunn: hopefa g you're okd
(08:31) gelf: nmm?
(08:31) serra honey bunn: have aoh good day at work
(08:31) gelf: your spelling is offfff whats wrong?
(08:32) serra honey bunn: i was upste, jsut not doing well
(08:32) serra honey bunn: not feeling well
(08:32) serra honey bunn: and missed you
(08:32) serra honey bunn: anyway, don'tw ant to keep you

i can see her hurting so much..

poison

argh i think i have food poisoning
was sick
and now am shakey

what am i doing to her

i think im mking it worst again

all this worriying about her
she went to see a place she seemed to really like with 2 24 year olds
i worried if its the sort of place she could get her work done in
she got upset with me for tihking she cant do this herslef

i guess my worrying openly isnt helping its making ti worst
i know she can look after her self and my worring is stupid cos i cant do anything about it
ill say sorry tomorrow..
i know its not all about me...

flower show

went to the flower show.
there was some amazing stuff pretty gardens
but lots of rubbish too
really long day

all about serra?

sorry blog here has to be more to my looser life then this its just the only thing on my mind right now
serra says shes off to see another place to rent today..
im so worried about her shes not been here today to talk to
worried about how shes coping and if the place shes finds is going to be safe
she seems so low

where is the girl from monday?

argh

she asked why?
i siad argh its do you know how frustratingly uniquely amazing you are?
she said why argh??
i siad you know why :S

i love the book it actually made me laugh out loud for a book for kids it makes harry potter look silly
im going to order the next one shes recomended it was so much fun

shes still really off hardly talking to me i feel like im forcing..

i just want to hug her

serra honey bunny +8 hours tooo far away says:
there's just a lot of tension going on in my family right now, i've just been in a bit of a depressed mood
serra honey bunny +8 hours tooo far away says:
my relationship with my brother has virtually fallen apart in the course of two weeks, and we were really close
serra honey bunny +8 hours tooo far away says:
my mom didn't even want to eat dinner last night because she felt so ill after talking to him
serra honey bunny +8 hours tooo far away says:
he's just going through something, and is treating the whole family terribly
serra honey bunny +8 hours tooo far away says:
and it's awful to be a part of

hmm
did i push to far :(
shes not here to talk to at all its very weird
is she pulling back or is it just everything else
its probably me.. i just dont know how to handle any of this
we where supposed to go play holo today maybe..

talked more today .. not quite so much though feels like she felt the same as i did yesterday and the line of loving each other but it not happening has become more difficult for her overnight.

its bungie day though she doesnt want to play because of her brother im worried about him too oddly though i hate what hes doing to serra

she loves books i never knew that
but shes seems to be loosing confidence in herslef..
im going to read one of her favs

its a difficult line

so its a fuzzy line this.. soo much harder then i thought it wold be..

today i talked and talked to serra...

its awsome to talk to her how could i ever get over the most amazing person in the world
especially when..she says

serra honey bunny +8 hours tooo far away says:
you know even if we don't have a future together as a couple, we still have our present as amazing friends... nothing is really changing..
serra honey bunny +8 hours tooo far away says:
and i will alway love you just as much


anyway today was great still crying on the inside but it feels like i can still keep her as my closest friend we hcatted about all sorta of things it was so much fun

but im so worried bout her..

trying to hold it together

so im going to do what she does so well
im going to try and be as normal as i can
even if im constantly crying in the inside
shes got so much going on i dont want to add to it anymore than i already am

more talk...

it's just all sort of a tangle of things
serra honey bunn: mad at andrew, worried about andrew, etc
gelf: mm yeah i remember i siad the same thing to you
gelf: but it means your looking pretty held together to her compaired
serra honey bunn: i always do
gelf: how come you cant fake it so well to me then?
serra honey bunn: because i guess i don't feel i need to


arghh why ohh why did i add to the mess in the head of the person i love more than life itself

me feel?

well no matter what im still going to tihnk shes the one
i dont believe there another person on the planet to compair

and thats probably a really bad thing to think :(

so we talked

everything isnt ok.. but

serra honey bunny +8 hours tooo far away says:
i don't think you're a fake person... i guess i just felt that you were exaggerating more than anything
serra honey bunny +8 hours tooo far away says:
trying too hard to convince me of who you are
serra honey bunny +8 hours tooo far away says:
honestly, i was in a bad mood the day we talked
serra honey bunny +8 hours tooo far away says:
i've been really depressed with the whole situation with my brother, and i've been acting really strange


that made it a bit better it a way the wirst thing has been kinda explained

serra honey bunn: and it's not only been our circumstances but also little things you've said or done recently that have made me realize that it's the right thing
gelf: ohh no
serra honey bunn: oh please don't oh no ((ewok))
serra honey bunn: i think you've pushed a bit too hard to convince me of certain aspects of you
gelf: hmm
serra honey bunn: things that i never questioned before... but with how in your face you've become about them i'm now questioning
serra honey bunn: like the honesty thing
gelf: the honesty thing i was worried about when i thought you didnt trust me?
serra honey bunn: it seems like you think you've found the one thing that will make me fall at your feet and are trying to show me "see! i'm the most honest person you'll ever meet!" at every opportunity, and it's striking me as fake
gelf: ewwww
gelf: thats not good
serra honey bunn: just thinking about things along those lines have really made me conclude that i don't know you as well as i'd like to think i do..
gelf:

just to make it clear..

serra honey bunn: the worst part is i've meant everything i've said to you gelf: why is that bad? serra honey bunn: i would be quite content to spend forever with you, i think you would make a wonderful husband and friend.. but something extra is missing serra honey bunn: something i find with jack... he's lost a great deal of weight, has become of great value to the company, has been keeping his finances in great order, and is absolutely acing his classwork.. gelf: the fact that im totaly in love with you and really do tink your the one person in the world that there isnt anyone lese as great as would not prevent me from wanting you to be happy serra honey bunn: it feels like he's really come out of the funk he was in for a while.. serra honey bunn: just as i did last year serra honey bunn: and you saying that makes me feel so terrible serra honey bunn: because i love you so much serra honey bunn: i feel absolutely torn... on the one hand like it's what i need to do... especially considering i may be getting back together with jack....

gelf: its really totaly screwed your head up that you can love me and love jack and hav to choose serra honey bunn: on the other hand, i feel i may be doing something incredibly stupid... not only in hurting you (which is stupid as a given), but in saying these things and ending it... a feeling like i could be making totally the wrong decision and missing out on something important.. serra honey bunn: it's exactly as you just said... i don't understand how i can possibly care for both of you in the way that i do and i don't know how to handle it

what do i say?

do i tell her the truth do i show quite how upset i am or do i hide it all?

why am i even asking trust always even if she doesnt belive in my anymore
you know thats probably the worst thing of all its makes me very upset
the one person id trust with my life the one person id always tell the truth to
and she says im being fake and doesnt think she belives in me anymore.
crushing..

mum talk

so i talked o my mum told her what happened.. not the truth ofcourse made serra a promise to never let anyone know about her brake up with jack

told mum it was all just me ive fallen for my engaged best friend and and shes siad no
felt od makes me sound very fallable but its all i could do to explain my current state.

and then

i replied.. maybe i shouldnt have

im sooso sorry
head hurs lotsn lots
couldnt talk to nyone
domt know what do say do
cant think dont know how to asnwer even this today








op huring you mo


what was that last bit about?

and she e-mailed back....

Agh, please come online, i'm so worried :(

so i cant not talk to her now its getting even worst...

arghh this isnt working i thought leaving her along giving her some plce would help :(
no.. made it worst im so useless i done know what to do.

I'm worried about you :(

Can we talk?

E-mail me if you don't want to get online, just so I know you're ok...

Love you..

Serra

lost

i need to give some space i think.. cant talk to her
im so upset with myself for hurting her, feels like i must have been tearing her apart :(
i hate doing it but maybe turning off msn will be the best thing for a bit.

i cant talk

i dont want to talk to anyone im kinda just drifting in a zone though the day
feel utterly distroyed sick lost... so many things..

where to begin?

so im writeing this though im not sure if id ever let anyone see it.
i have to say things type them someplace and with serra gone i cant thing where.

Ive been just wrong it into word but i guess this will help me track it all better always seems to help serra